Candlestick

Something my father taught me that actually stuck to my teflon brain was that "we are not our feelings." This idea has kept me sane.  How often do we have thoughts, or feelings, impressions about people/events/ideas around us (or people we've never met) that are repulsive or simply bizarre? Should we feel guilty because we had the thoughts/feelings? 

This principle would say NO. Just because it crossed your mind doesn't mean it is yours. We are constantly presented with stimuli and reacting to them without thought or intervention. If we had to own every reaction to every impression in our mind/heart then we would surely drive ourselves nuts trying to reconcile all the stimuli. Sometimes our brains just shoot out random thoughts. Just because it came out of nowhere but your brain doesn't mean it is you.

But what if we like the stimuli? Does that make it ours? 

Not necessarily. When you were a kid you probably liked picking your nose...and eating the bounty. It was a natural thing. Soon, you were taught it wasn't appropriate. At some point you (hopefully!) relented. During the period between learning it was inappropriate and actually no longer eating your boogars there were moments of duress. The impulse came: eat your boogars! But another voice said, no way, that's gross and plus your friends will make fun of you. You had multiple voices persuading you to do different things. And you wanted to do BOTH. How can that be? Are you psychotic? No! You are mortal.

Our bodies have desires that are just there. We don't necessarily want them all, we don't ask for them, we just have them. Food, drink, sex, attention, love, acceptance, boogars. They are just there. The thing is, we are kind of like a grab bag of desires. Each of us came to earth with a different bag. Some people came with a set of desires that seem incomprehensible to others. We see someone gorging themselves on gummi bears. That's their bag to deal with. Others are sex obsessed. Others crave social acceptance. While others would rather be alone. We all have our bag of desires programmed into our bodies and that is just A PART (but ONLY a part) of who we are. 

Other desires we learn. We all have acquired tastes. Traditions, culture, social norms, peer pressure and institutionalized procedures all influence our desires.

And then there are the random times when our brain just spazzes and we think random thoughts and have random feelings and we are left wondering what the heck just happened. These principles apply to those moments as well. And dreams too. Just because your brain hacked together a maniacal boogar feast in the deserts of Northern Africa in which the sand is grape nuts doesn't mean the thoughts are yours. EVEN IF YOU LIKED the dream. Seriously, sometimes we have wierdo, holy cow did I really just dream I was making out with a cow and liked it dreams. Don't worry, as much as your friends deny  it, they've had their share of jacko the wacko dreams. And even if you liked it in the dream, it isn't necessarily yours. What I'm saying is, when presented with stimuli we have an initial reaction to the stimuli.

Well poo. So what do we do then? Are we stuck? 

No.

We also have choice. At some point we practiced our will and chose to stop (at least in public) picking our noses. We acted (or refused to act) on the desire. When we woke up form the crazy cow dream we were horrified, how could I have liked thaaaaat??! Well do you really? Are you going to dwell on it, subtly attempt to make the thought a physical reality? Relive it, relish it, accept it? These all constitute choice and action. What you do with the initial reaction to the stimulus is what determines ownership. Action makes the initial reaction truly ours. Before we act it was an impulsive response, after we act we are choosing to continue it, or dismiss it.

Choice also allows us to train our initial reactions. If we notice patterns, certain stimuli get a similar response each time, then that is our opportunity to take action. Strategize people! When you sense the impulsive reaction develop a counter-impulsive reaction, distract yourself, sing a song, repeat a quote, do anything to replace the initial response. Soon, you'll need only barely recognize the troubling stimulus and your trained response will kick in. Habit's a beautiful thing baby. 

So just because you think something, however bizarre, it doesn't mean you should start to beat yourself up. Take a moment, and recognize it for what it is, a stimulus resulting in an intial desire which is often auto-generated by your body which has been either programmed or trained to react that way. When you were in the moment, the boogar moment, you may have gone back and forth, maybe you even slipped a few times, but inside you kept fighting, and eventually you overcame. You saw the boogar mountain and you climbed that sucker. Dominated it! Use that moment where you recognize that a desire may not be yours to choose your course. If you did not use actual conscious choice to own the impulsive response, then it is not yours and you should not feel any guilt. Guilt is for owners only. And guilt is a tool (for better or worse) but that's a post for another day. 

We are more than our feelings. We are mortals with in-born desires as well as learned desires. Just because we feel it, or even because it is tempting, doesn't mean it is ours. Action on desires constitutes ownership. We can train ourselves to react to recognized stimuli in a strategic way.

Stimulus --> initial response --> chosen response-->ownership or rejection